Topic 1 - the gym

I've just returned to our local gym after about a year out of the saddle. So to speak.

Now, I want to go there in relative seclusion, you know, just quietly die of a heart attack in the corner covered in sweat and unable to walk, so why is it we get young 'ladies' in their crop tops and Lycra shorts who quite obviously a size 6, prancing round like they own the joint?

Is it a case of them trying to cop off with a muscly wide boy? A footballer? A gym instructor? Or do they simply derive their pleasure from hacking every other woman on a cross-trainer off with their skinny physiques?

WHAT IS THE POINT OF GOING TO A GYM? YOU ARE ALREADY SKELETAL!

For God's sake girls, buy a DVD or walk more- it's cheaper. And then 'normal' people like me don't have to mix with you unless we go to some crappy city-centre bar on a Thursday night (and, to be honest, I would rather eat my own spleen).

Is it me, or when you've come out of the shower and you are simply trying to apply some make-up (because you haven't saved enough for the Botox yet) the rabble of skinny totty flick their hair in your face at the mirror and generally get in you space? You can't get to your locker for their gossip and fake designer handbags.

Is it because they are young and cocky or skinny and cocky or because they are asking for it from an overweight thirty-something who JUST WANTS TO GET OUT OF HERE?

A word of advice dearies- I may be older and heavier, but I can still slap you stupid.

Plus it will work out my bingo wings.